Dusk of 20s Reflections...Swiftie Metalhead

I've been thinking a lot about writing these words. But, I came to one conclusion. I should write these words.TONIGHT...at MIDNIGHT. It is related to why I started writing blog posts, Facebook page posts, and articles in magazines and websites in 2013, this hobby and passion turned out to be my full-time job in 2017, and I am now a full-time journalist. My main motive for writing is company. Yes. I always considered reading and writing as my loyal friends in my darkest times, and longest nights. After surviving breakdowns, self-harm, bleeding, and scars, I start to search randomly for several articles. I am really grateful for the authors of each and every article I read in these dark times, and I am thankful for each musician, band member, and metalhead who supported, backed, and helped me to be share the stage with great metal reviewers and platforms in the Middle East. But in 2020, everything started to fall and collapse, including me. I know; 2020, and 2011 were hard years. But, 2021 was the hardest. I found myself involved in several issues and fights at work, I was emotionally crashed, lost my friends, and lost my passion to keep writing and writing in Metal as if my reviewing work was the only bond between me and them. I found myself battling everything alone. Between 2022 and 2023, I had many bad attempts to revive my metal or music writing career. But, as I am starting a new chapter in my life in less than 2 months, I decided to take a true step, to continue what I love, and what makes me happy, makes me alive, so much alive. Music has always been my true friend, companion, and life. One of the great things I have in my life is the ability to write music reviews, and actually, I always love to link music to my personal experience and personal life. It is what makes music real, alive, and vivid. 

I chose this day as a special day personally, not because of any certain special events or memories; no, it is because I woke up in a good spirit, had a good sleep, and had a good meal, and my body is good, moving without any aches and pains. Something I need to celebrate. Another thing I need to celebrate is that the steps I've taken in the past two or three months are finally effective. I see myself in yesterday's photos in a better physical shape, and a brighter face, a bright face I've never imagined to have or see after all these breakdowns, self-harm, and tears. And, I can't deny that Taylor Swift's music played a vital role in my healing process. 

I've never been such a big Swiftie who runs for each song, each album, and each concert. I've been neutral, something Swifties never imagined to come from a Metalhead. There are some stereotypes that Metalheads don't accept anything in life except metal. Sorry, it is wrong. Metalheads are not aliens, like Swifties, they are not aliens. They are just passionate. People love to be around those who have the same interests. 

Metalheads find company, and excitement to talk and discuss something they love. In addition, metal music is a remedy for generations. Metallica songs were the methods of healing for a lot of generations, Linken Park's music has been the voice of teens and young adults who struggle with their families, communities, and societies. Evanescence's Amy Lee was a real game-changer for girls and for the music industry. The same goes with Taylor Swift. We can discuss Taylor Swift's music, and we can argue about her music goodness. But, there is one fact you need to admit she is the voice of thousands or millions of voiceless girls. Girls and women, the factors a lot ignore. I am not here for cheering, I am not here for fighting, I am here because I need to give you a different point of view about Taylor Swift. It could be personal, but as I mentioned before, I always connect music to my personal life. And, this is the best way I can start my new stage in my life, with my new me.

In less than 2 months, I will turn 30. I always have this fear and panic about turning 30, maybe here in Egypt a lot consider that women after 30 are not good enough. I can't deny that there is more awareness that women's goodness is not related to age. But, I can't deny that starting re-organizing my life's cards, choices, decisions, and goals helped me a lot of overcome my fears. 

There are a lot of lessons I've learned from Swift and one of these important things is being unique. I am not sexy, I am not that beautiful or catchy girl who attracts men. My love emotions are always one side, my side, I love, but I've never been loved. Sometimes, I admitted it, but he ran away, sometimes, I didn't, and it ended in time without telling anything. Sometimes, I felt alone, and incomplete because I was alone. I received a lot of negative comments and bullies online. I have been always neglected, and forgotten. I've never received a lot of messages, a lot of comments, a lot of talks, and a lot of calls. My phone, inbox, and e-mail were always silent. I gave a lot of attention, and a lot of power to how people see me, and why nobody cares about me. I have no real-time friends. Or, people who can I call that they are good friends, and they are my best friends, they've never considered me their best friend. A lot of them confessed this to me, in the eye. 

In my final year of my 20s, the 29th, I was awakened as something came from very far away to wake, and enlighten me. A lot of videos of the Eras tour on the FB reels, and Instagram reels, the videos were really impressive and breathtaking, my information about Tay is about the girl who has a lot of Grammys, Love Story song, and an album called Folklore. I listened to Folklore because I loved its concept and cover. More videos started to invade my reels section, more songs, more interviews, more videos, and it really caught my attention.

Tay created her own unique taste, show, identity which could be tested in everything. Not complicated. No complicated music, no complicated lyrics. Easy lyrics, catchy rhymes but they were enough to translate a lot of untold things that each and every woman feels. Sometimes, we, as women feel fear to confess. I remember the day I confessed my love, confessed my feelings. They were thrown by him to the nearest trash to the door he walked out. Swift's music is true and real because she is honest with herself as a woman. She feels the struggles of everyone to define herself, to support herself, to be balanced with herself. This word is a magic BALANCE.

I remember that sometimes I always felt that I am losing my balance maybe my head is down and my legs are up, maybe my body was supported on my left side more than in the normal position. I felt this instability in each and every part of my body. How can we as women overcome these feelings of loss, disorientation, shattering, scars, crying, mood swings, and definition? 

Her words, her interviews, and how she deals with herself are the things I need. I've learnt a lot. I started to be more confident. Haters gonna hate. That's it. So, I don't need to work to attract anyone or do anything to attract anyone. I don't need to lose weight because people hate my body or think that I won't get married because I am fat or my body looks bad (this note was told to me by a friend, yes, she saw me ugly, and I was a loser because no man didn't propose to me and I was 27 years old). This friend's notes made me obsessed with medication that helps to lose weight which impacted me negatively. 

I starved myself, feeling guilty and sick after having a meal. I kept depending on self harm to overcome my pain, and then, my friends blamed me for my scars. 

So, I needed to stand for my own side. I am losing weight now because I want to be better. I want to be the one who I want to be, not the one they want me to be. I will stand for my dreams whatever they say or believe. You see fat, ugly, loser, and idiot. But, now, I see myself a real warrior who broke their swords and stood for her own arms. 

I took a lot of steps to study, to work, to revive my own passion. I cast away the shades of the past with its echoes, with its love emotions, with its scars, with its breakdowns, and open the gate of a whole true me. 

Nobody needs to call me kid or baby, just call me with my name. My heart is still broken, yes, But I need to do everything I love, and everything I need to do even with this broken heart to heal, to beat, to create this joyful sound of life. 

I can tell you the songs I love for Tay. I love Love Story that represents the fairytale of each girl, each Cinderella. I love Fortnight because it is the best mature love feelings that gone as dust in the wind. It is dark, depressed, and mature. More woman, than a teen girl.

I love the concept of Midnights album, and the name of the album itself is unbelievable, too short,, to sweet,, too crystal clear.

August, Illicit Fears, I Know You Were Trouble, and of course, You Are not Sorry, Willow, and my most most fav Exile. Can't deny that Shake it Of is one of the songs that helped me to heal. 

I feel that I needed to say these words. 

I feel ok, great, I believe in myself. I am happy that I am on the track once again. I registered for my MA thesis, have a better work environment, improving myself through reading, watching pods, listening to more music, having better shape by following a healthy diet, started to work on improving the quality of my time, giving myself a real quality time, drinking herbs to help my body, working out to improve my physical ability, dance at home to feel more connected, to be closer more and more to my body, following natural skincare routine to boost my feminity, making of my dreams came true and learning how to play harmonica, and accepted my medical case and with the impacts of PCOS. I am writing these words of every lady, every woman, every girl, you are not alone. You can do it, and pass this hard time, these drastic fights, don't give up, don't make negative feelings cost you time, power, and energy. BELIEVE.

I will turn 30 on December 7, yes I am Sag, and I am ready for it. 

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Written by: Rana Atef 

Egyptian Blogger, Metal Reviewer, Journalist, Pro Wrestling Lover, English Literature Student

Date: 11 October 2024 - Friday. 

Time: 4 am (Cairo time)

Place: Saint Fatima, Heliopolis, Cairo, Egypt

Season: Fall